Burn

It’s my heart’s fault for the way it burns with him
My mind knows what’s at stake, but it won’t listen
I reach out a branch, then quickly pull it back in
Protecting myself should be my mission

I’m sure he knows what he’s doing
walls built so high, you can’t see a thing
but, I’m not someone that likes believing
that men only think of their primal needs

I keep remembering the good feelings,
guess there is an optimist in me,
at least when it comes to a heart that’s bleeding,
thinking of us when we were first talking, meeting,
kissing, touching, hoping that what was seen in his eyes was reality.

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Surrender

I feel an itch
My hands won’t scratch
A burn, unhealed
On my sore back

I yearn for love
I yearn for lust
I receive instead, only the one
Lent my body, let them reside,
for reasons far and needs as wide

I feel a shift
My voice won’t lift
Last word, unheard,
Bring peace instead

I care for him
I cared for them
I cared for each that I took in
Opened my heart, let them reside,
for reasons far and needs as wide

There’s just one left
I’ve ditched the rest
Big spark, left a mark
I can’t forget

I said goodbye
I said sorry
I said what do you want from me
I’ll close my heart, he’ll still reside,
for reasons far and needs as wide.

Warning

My anxiety is high
Living in this climate
Where a woman, mom, child, girl, has to shout from the rooftops
That there’s a problem, something’s wrong with the things that are said
Implied, justified, born on our shoulders, placed in our heads

In my microworld,
I can make a difference,
when my girls hear horrors at school from kids, or even teachers.

Teachers –
Not the place for a pulpit,
your own views about the world or how you think people should live within it, your ideals on homosexuality
or how women should dress or interact,
your forum to discuss discipline of your own daughters, what the fuck?
You’re spreading violence and hate,
In front of my girls,
and in this case,
I can do something,
I’m sending a warning,
to anyone and everyone who tries to test my patience,
I’m a bear with my children,
my efforts won’t be wasted.

Body

When a life change happens,
something is planned
knowing it’s coming
all avenues explored

This was the decision
I made it, it happened
I’m great at stepping into action once I think I’m sure

I’m still sure,
but
maybe my body isn’t
my subconcious wasn’t ready for the finality,
the implications;
what I feel about love,
no longer young I wanted freedom from the burdens of expectancy,

In all of its forms.

Words Unsaid

Words unsaid,
It’s time to say them,
I was going to plan a poem for each one,
Each person, each memory that left a mark,
but time is precious and it’s becoming more so
with realizations of my mortality, the world’s.

I love my family. As much as I hide from some of them, as much as some of them have hurt me, there’s a girl who remembers the good times, a more innocent time, when our views were aligned. When Sundays meant going to see cousins and jumping on the trampoline, eating popcorn and cheese, while the adults talked “adult”. The kids played hide and seek, tricks on the staircase, sliding down each one, never a worry of injury,
sometimes a race to see who reached the bottom the fastest. Grandma giving piano lessons in 3rd grade, I couldn’t follow through so I taught myself later, but all remembrance of the keys is gone, even “the Entertainer”, that I used to play nonstop.

I love my brothers, natural and “step”. Such differing personalities, all from backgrounds that led to us being a family of nine. Nine children from one man and woman, combined. I was 19, and it was a lot to take on, being the only girl left in a house full of boys that would become men, including my own brothers who I helped in raising. I’m so impressed with all of them, with our journey as a blended family, with each of their personal stories.

My step-dad, “Pops”, I don’t say it enough, I never have, and it’s some block of conflict, a pull between “two”, my Dad and you, nothing either of you authored; a girl conflicted by having two fathers. I was resistant, I had been through some things, through other “fathers” that weren’t good for my family, then you came along, and through the miracle of time, I was able to see what a miracle you were for my mom, for all of us. Our banter is silly, we goof around mostly, but when I see you and you give me those giant bear hugs, a kiss on the forehead, I know that I’m grateful for how much you love me, and I love you.

You – I can’t say everything, not even close. My heart is still in a cinch over what happened, I don’t understand everything and I don’t understand him, all I know is I wanted to acknowledge the cycles you already lived, shake them, break them, help you heal. With all outside factors that occurred, combined with internal, combined with more “hers”, juggling three planets at once while my own was crumbling, trying to find some hidden meaning to all of the madness so I could take us out of the nose dive we were on, but it feels like you became collateral damage.

I don’t know when the rift will be mended, I don’t know if it will ever be. I just know you’re in my soul and I think about you, hurt aside, because I know we both feel it, as the baby I held at age 20, the little girl in so many of my pictures, still hung on my wall, I haven’t forgotten you. I won’t.

I’m out of words. For now.

 

Warmth

Big changes for me,
closing chapters

Sad day for me,
but focusing on others

The ones still here;
the ones that love me, all sides
been through the fires and our hearts are entwined

Friendships with lifelong wisdom,
offering who I am and not being rejected

Not anxious to be in places I’m not meant to be in,
still healing from things that I’m meant to heal from

Open as I always have been,
unashamed of who it is that I’ve become

Some fall off,
they don’t want to see my heart on my sleeve,
but I can’t contain it,
and the ones that see it? Appreciate it?
I feel their warmth today like a hot cup of tea,
going through these changes that are scary,
they hear me,
travel to be near me,
love me unconditionally,
that’s the stuff to hold onto when the world is dark and full of doom,
when the anger is seeping out of you,
even if it’s due,
the strong and the few that get you –

The enduring,
chance taking,
soul-seeking,
heart-warming,

They exist;

I aspire to be one and live to breathe them.

Not Alone

I’ve taken up yoga, just in my room,
helps me manage my thoughts of gloom and doom

Signed up to attend community events, but I’m kind of shy, I’ll let you know how it went

Walk most days with a band on my wrist, counting my steps toward goals and fitness

Miles and above all or nothing,
I’ve learned to mute that type of thinking

To just be where I am, feel what I’m feeling, not force its absence or forbid it coming

I’ll learn over time to absorb less and less, despite this climate, this perpetual mess

I’ll work toward finding an inner peace, within my family, a community, locally, globally, but not alone –

I’m not alone.

Secrets

I want to give reasons why something is wrong
send them into the air even with no response
I could write full chapters on family histories
to validate my mind on my thoughts and theories

I could add human touch to what I’ve been through
paint a picture of why it may mean something to you
but secrets, only those I trust should hear
even as I sit writing, eyes filling with tears

Secrets that have impact on others today
their lives affected in a negative way
the world keeps changing for them day-by-day
hope is given, then taken away

My girls I am constantly worried for
I was raised sheltered in a way they aren’t
their stories from school fill me with horror
compared to me, they’ve been through much more

I want to be a voice, but we’re all at war
It’s tiring me to my very core
at a loss of what to do or say anymore
my resolve seems to be heading out the door

See, I have these thoughts and they run so deep
I have to take medicine to help me sleep
I take pills for depression and anxiety
guess I just told a secret about me

I can’t care anymore what people think
I have all this built up history
that has made me who I am currently
and she’s just trying to keep on pressing

It’s a part of me, but not the whole
It helped me survive the difficult
built up armor, strength, and resolve
to be a voice even if I feel alone

Some want my parts, but not the whole
they don’t know what’s beneath my skin, my soul
maybe it’s too scary to really know
but I can’t keep it hidden, so I won’t.

Art: Peter Seminck

Greed is Not Love

In bed at 7, my mind needs to sleep
Tasks today have been difficult, weak
My head feels foggy, it’s hard to think
Knowing in the background the anchor sinks.

I want to pull it up, that takes energy
Fight through the pain of another tragedy
Keep my voice high among a billion screams
Feel it will matter, but it doesn’t seem to

I have girls to raise and I need to be strong
But I have my own struggles going on
Among the world’s they seem like tedium
Mere specks on the continuum.

Feeling this lethargy today,
while processing this pain;
prompts me to be kind –
to put on hold the massive goals as if we’re living in the Truman Show.

We aren’t.
We never were.
We must live in our realities,
sagas and sorrows.
We need to press on for the ones that are lost to the ones that forgot the above:

To the ones that forgot that greed is not love.

Frozen

My heart aches for all of the needless loss at Mandalay Bay.

Trying to do the mindful thing,
focus on what I have and move forward,
in light of recent tragic events,
be aware of mortality,
be grateful I’m here,
terrified.

Here come the debates and speeches,
We decry these acts,
but don’t make a dent
an abyss of power, entitlement,
they don’t care, they send their prayers,
tokens of surface,
unreaching.

Reach for something of worth; do something that will stop a death, or 50 plus, heal the previous.

Blind eye, don’t be shy to admit you were wrong; hard pill to swallow, we’re cheering you on.

We have one life to live, help us live it, Second Amendment or not.